By The Lion's Mane
by lycanus1
Summary: Dagonet faces a "hairy" problem and his worst fear - again ! Hopeless summary - fic slightly better, I hope ...
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Dagonet faces a "hairy" problem & his worst fear - again ! Hopeless summary - fic slightly better, I hope ...  
**A/N:** this was inspired by and credit must also go to Homeric's brilliant fic "Amputation" - although this is _not _nearly as funny. But it did get me wondering about a certain knight & his crowning glory  
**Comments & Reviews:** positive comments welcomed  
**Disclaimer:** the KA lads _still_ belong to Jerry Bruckheimer & Touchstone Pictures. The loofah, though, is _all_ mine !

_**XXXXXXXXX**_

**By The Lion's Mane**

_**Part One**_

Dagonet strode up the corridor to the hall where the Round Table was situated. He had no idea why Arthur had summoned him there, and although his expression was impassive, his mind was in complete turmoil.

" Psst, Dag ! "

The tall healer gazed mildly and found his fellow Roxolani and kinsman, standing in front of him, leaning against the door frame which led into the great hall.

" Bors, " he silently acknowledged, eyeing his cousin with baffled grey eyes. He approached the older man with silent grace, and noted silently how restless the other knight appeared.

" Any idea why we've been summoned ? " Bors asked anxiously, as he fiddled uneasily with a dagger. " What the hell have you done ? "

" Hey ! What do you mean ? I could easily be asking you that. You're _always_ up to something, dear cousin, " Dagonet growled in reply. Bors appeared as if he were about to reply, when the great hall's doors opened and Lancelot beckoned them inside.

The darkly handsome knight looked at them gravely, then moved aside so both Roxolani could enter the hall. He closed the large, heavy wooden doors behind them with an ominous thud.

Bringing up the rear, Dagonet watched his stocky cousin hurry after Lancelot, his arms gesticulating wildly as he tried to draw the other Sarmatian's attention.

" Oi ! Lance ! Any idea what this is about ? " Bors demanded furiously. Lancelot continued to walk silently towards the large, ornate, circular table in the middle of the room, where Arthur already sat along with Galahad. " For mercy's sake ... PONCELOT ! I'm talking to you ... What the bloody hell's going on ? "

The black, leather-clad knight silently turned to look at the burly, vociferous Roxolani. There was a deadly calm expression on his face - one that Dagonet knew and recognized only too well. It was the one Lancelot had before he usually lost his temper and to be on the receiving end of it, well ... it was _never_ a good thing. Then, unusually, he sighed, and flickered his obsidian eyes coolly over Bors, who was struggling to keep his own increasing fury under control.

Shrugging his broad shoulders, Lancelot drawled sweetly, " You'll just have to wait and see, like the rest of us. _IF _you have a problem with that, Bors, I suggest you take it up with Arthur ... " And with that final remark the tall, Iazyges took his seat at his commander's left hand side.

Still smarting, Bors took his seat beside Dagonet and struggled to come up with a suitable comeback - unfortunately, he was not as quick-witted as their scout, and he failed miserably. He ended up glaring at Lancelot, who by now, was feeling pretty bored with their exchange of words and was pointedly ignoring him.

Suddenly, Bors felt a sharp elbow dig him in the ribs. He turned to gaze at Dagonet, his demeanour both hurt and offended.

" What was that for ? " he demanded petulantly, rubbing his left flank gingerly .

Dagonet leaned across to his right and hissed, " For crying out loud, Bors, pay attention ... Arthur's waiting. You're holding things up, you fool, so stop pissing about ! "

Arthur rose to his feet with great dignity and nodded his acknowledgement to Dagonet. " Thank you, Dagonet, " he murmured quietly. " Right, now that we're all here, I shall begin. I have called you al- "

" Uh ... hold on a moment, " Bors interrupted, clambering to his feet. " Don't know if _you've_ noticed but some of us _are _actually missing ... Shouldn't the Scout and Gawain be here as we- "

Sighing heavily, Arthur gave Bors a reproachful look which had the Roxolani instantly dropping like a stone back onto his seat. Dagonet shook his head slowly, rolled his eyes and muttered softly, " Idiot ! "

" As I was saying ... " Arthur paused to check if any further interruptions were forthcoming from a certain belligerant individual at the table, and when there were none, continued briskly, " I've called you _all_ here this afternoon for an emergency meeting ... " He paused deliberately . " A matter of grave importance has recently come to my attention and _must_ be resolved with immediate effect. There's no time to lose ... "

By now, at least three of the seated knights were leaning forwards in their chairs and were watching him with avid interest. _Good, _thought Arthur, _at least I've managed to get their attention - now for the difficult bit, getting them to agree to it._

He knew Galahad would volunteer to help, after all _he_ had been the one to bring the matter to his attention in the first place. He glanced over at the young knight who was lounging in his chair, with an innocent expression on his angelic face. Arthur fought against the urge to laugh. After almost fourteen years in Gawain's company, Arthur knew where the dark-haired Halani was concerned, that appearances _were_ deceptive. Gawain's love of mischief and playing pranks on his fellow knights had definately rubbed off on the youngster and the pair of them were as thick as thieves.

His gaze flickered to Lancelot who sat beside him. The Iazyges gave him a lazy smile, which warmed his obsidian eyes. _No, Lance would not be a problem either_, Arthur mused fondly. I_ can always rely on my deputy for support at all times and this time ... well, he's going to be salivating at the chance to tackle this "little" problem ..._

He finally turned his attention to the two cousins. These were the men the mission solely depended upon for success. They would either make or break it.

Arthur frowned, his eyes narrowed in appraisal as they fell upon the taller of the pair. _Hmm ... Dagonet ... IF_ _I can get Dagonet to agree to this, Bors won't be a problem - he'll follow him like a sheep, to hell and back. Dag's got experience of this kind of thing ... He's done something along the same lines before and it sort of went well. I just hope he doesn't remember how difficult that was. _Arthur watched the Roxolani healer with hooded eyes and felt the younger man return it with mild curiosity. _Hmm, I'll have to be careful how I go about this, Dag's no fool ... He doesn't say much, but he has a brain and unlike some of them, he's not afraid to use it ...  
_  
Sitting back in his chair, Dagonet couldn't help but wonder what had their commanding officer so deep in thought. That was unusual in itself, he mused, as Arthur wasn't used to mental exercise. He just hoped the man didn't strain himself ... Anxious to move things along and get back to cleaning his weapons, Dagonet sighed and raised an eyebrow enquiringly.

" Arthur ? " he prompted quietly.

Arthur immediately shook himself out of his reverie. _Damn ! Dagonet's far too sharp. I'll really have to be careful how I go about this. Pulling the wool over Bors' eyes is one thing, but Dag's an entirely different matter ... Then again, I don't see why there should be a problem. He's one of my most loyal, trustworthy and reliable men and hasn't let me down before. No, Dag will be fine with this ... Uh, won't he ?_

Starting to feel a migraine coming on, Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose and took a few deep breaths. Stress always affected him this way and considering this latest problem they faced, it looked like this was going to be a bugger of a headache ...

" Arthur ? Are you feeling alright ? " Dagonet watched him gravely, a concerned expression on his ruggedly attractive face. " You're not worried about this, are you ? I mean, you _know _we'll all be here to help with this problem ... that you don't have to ask us, don't you ? We'll help, won't _we_, lads ? " Dagonet turned to look at the other three knights. It was a look they were all well acquainted with, and they knew it would be futile to argue with the gentle giant once he'd made up their minds for them. They'd only end up losing.

All of a sudden, Arthur felt his migraine begin to fade and he exhaled slowly in relief. He could have kissed the tall Roxolani. Without realizing what he'd just said, Dagonet had made Arthur's job so much easier. Arthur smiled at him weakly and waved his hand dismissively, " Nothing for you to worry about, Dagonet ... Just a bit of a headache that's all. It'll soon go ... " _And it's nothing compared to the headache you will soon be facing, _he thought with a slight twinge of guilt, which he quickly suppressed.

" Well, seeing as you've _all_ willingly volunteered for this mission, I will reveal to you what it entails. As Dagonet has had prior experience with a case of a _similar _nature - which he handled extremely well by all accounts, considering the circumstances - I shall be placing him in sole charge of this mission, " Arthur announced calmly, then reached for a flagon and poured its contents into a goblet which was placed in front of him. " Wine, anyone ? "

_**XXXXX**_

A soon as Dagonet heard his name singled out, alarm bells began to ring in his head.

_This can't be good,_ he thought, his brow furrowing as he tried to recall what Arthur referred to as a "case of a similar nature" had been. Suddenly, a memory of an event in the dim and distant past struck him. An occurance which had left him pretty traumatized for weeks afterwards ... _Oh, shit ! Surely Arthur doesn't mean for me to go through that again ... No way ... There's no way in hell I'm ever doing that again !_ _Life's too short ... I happen to like breathing and having my limbs intact ! Gods ! I was lucky to come out of it alive last time ..._

Blindly, he pushed against the edge of the round table, his chair scraping back abruptly upon the marble floor, drawing the other knights attention to him. The look of sheer terror and panic on his face left the other men stunned into silence. The tall knight - who never shied away in battle and was known for his courage - looked deathly pale and his powerful frame was racked by violent tremors.

" N-no ! N-no way, Arthur ... Absolutely n-not ! " Dagonet stammered, much to Bors' horror. " T-there's n-no way I'm d-doing s-something like t-that again - _EVER ! _I'd rather face a b-band of marauding b-bloody S-saxons on m-my own, t-than go t-through t-that again ... "

_**T. B. C.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**Thanks again Homeric, for the inspiration to write this.

_**XXXXXXXXX**_

**By The Lion's Mane**

_**Part Two  
**_**  
**Dagonet's extreme reaction to Arthur's decision of putting him in charge of the "mission," was interesting to say the least, Arthur mused. He'd expected if not a calm, "willing" acceptance, a flat, adamant refusal of the task. The last thing he thought he'd ever see was the gentle giant's bravery and defences shatter so swiftly and completely. To see Dagonet break down like that was shocking; never before had he seen one of his knights consumed by absolute terror and Arthur began to feel his conscience pricking him.

Dagonet's normally calm grey eyes kept darting in blind panic towards the door, his mind racing.

_Wonder if I can make a break for it ? Shouldn't be too difficult ... I can take all four of them on if need be ... So what if I end up in solitary for a month or so, for not following orders for once? It'll be bloody worth it ... Arthur will just have to find another mug to do it ... They conned me into it last time, I'm not bloody falling for it again ..._

He didn't hear Bors' silent approach and flinched when he felt a large hand give his left shoulder what was meant to be a reassuring squeeze.

" Look, cousin, it can't be that bad surely ? Whatever it is, Dag, we'll face it together. Yeah ? Like we've done in the past ... " Bors moved to stand in front of him, unwittingly blocking Dagonet's escape route out of the great hall. The older knight's good-natured face for once was serious and his brow furrowed in growing concern as he became aware that genuine fear had his kinsman firmly in its grip. Dagonet looked at Bors vacantly for a moment, then suddenly began to laugh.

At first it was a soft rumble, but as the tall Roxolani's panic swiftly turned to hysteria, the laughter grew increasingly maniacal. Lancelot exchanged a very worried look with Arthur, as Dagonet became even more unhinged. Galahad, meanwhile, had managed to sidle unnoticed over to the other side of the table, where both Arthur and Lancelot stood in relative safety. The youngster appeared shaken and anxious.

_**"**_ Maybe this isn't such a good idea, Arthur, " he remarked softly, wishing he'd never brought the problem to Arthur's attention in the first place. " Please, can we just forget about it ? It's not worth poor Dag's sanity ... If I'd have known something like this was going to happen, I'd have kept my trap shut - "

" That _would_ have made a change, " Lancelot drawled. He reached for his goblet and swiftly knocked back its contents.

" Lance ... " Groaning, Arthur shook his head wearily and pinched the bridge of his nose once more. He could feel his headache coming back with a vengeance.

" The whelp has a point, Arthur, " the dark knight murmured softly. " Is a single mission worth more than our brother's health ? Even _you_ can't deny how badly this has affected Dag. " He carefully placed his goblet back down on the round table. Galahad nodded in agreement, unhappy that he'd been the indirect cause of the healer's acute distress.

Arthur sighed and ran his hand through his dark hair. " I'm sorry, we have no choice. If we don't nip this problem in the bud now, it'll only get worse ... much worse ... It has to be sorted and Dagonet _will_ have to do it. He's the only person here capable of tackling and successfully eradicating it- "

" But even s- " Galahad began, only to stop mid-sentence when the laughter abruptly stopped. He looked across the room and was shocked to find Dagonet with a split lip and rubbing his jaw. Bors had stepped back and was studying the reddening knuckles of his right hand and gingerly wriggling his fingers, wincing as he did so.

" Oh, bloody hell ! " the young Halani muttered, feeling even more guilty now that blood had been spilt. He turned to look at Arthur, his dark eyes pleading. His commander shook his head, his expression apologetic.

The Roxolani healer appeared calmer and finally spoke. " Huh ! Face _this _together ? Where the bloody hell were you lot last time, hmm ? I'll tell you where ... You lot scarpered before I knew what was happening. Well, this time you buggers can deal with it on your ow- "

" Now, Dag, you know you can't back out, " Bors quietly rumbled then, as he saw his cousin was about to argue, stated the one thing he knew would make Dagonet think twice. " You made a vow to Arthur you'd help. You're not going to break that promise, are you ? That'd be letting Arthur down, you know ? "

Dagonet glared furiously at Bors for daring to use such an underhand tactic and knew, for once, that he'd been well and truly outwitted by his cousin. Defeated, he slumped back down onto his seat, long muscular, leather-clad legs outstretched in front of him.

" Fine, " he snapped, rubbing his nape wearily. " I'll do it ... But if I'm going down this time, I'm taking the whole damn lot of you with me. Like Arthur said, _I'm_ in charge ... So, if any of you are thinking of buggering off, you can bloody well think again ! " He glared ominously at Arthur and the other knights, daring them to defy him.

All the while, a single thought kept running through Dagonet's mind: _Oh, shit ! We're in so much trouble ..._

_**XXXXX**_

Dagonet awoke the following morning with a heavy heart and a dull, throbbing ache in his head. He idly wondered if was possible to transfer headaches from one person to another.

Matters didn't improve when he discovered Arthur had fled, no, _left_ the garrison early that morning with a small company of Roman soldiers, taking Lancelot with him, to urgently meet up with Merlin. Both Bors and Galahad had swallowed the story, but the Healer knew better. He could smell a lie off a mile away and was annoyed with himself for not seeing his commander pulling off such a stunt. In all honesty, Dagonet couldn't believe Arthur had a mind capable of coming up with two thoughts to rub together, never mind being so devious and underhanded. Somehow, he couldn't help thinking that Lancelot had a large part to play with the planning of the "great escape." The dark knight's skill for self-preservation was notorious and unequalled.

_Huh !_ Dagonet muttered to himself, _trust those two to take a backseat when it came to sorting out "mission impossible" ... Well, we'll just have to sort the pair of 'em out once we've dealt with our little "problem." That's__** if**__ we survive ..._

_**XXXXX**_

" Right, so we _all _know what we're doing ? " Dagonet asked quietly as he stood outside the stable door with Galahad and Bors. Both men nodded, and Dagonet couldn't help feeling sorry for Galahad when he saw the trepidation on the young man's face. He tried to reassure the Halani whilst struggling to ignore the tight, quivering knot of apprehension in his own gut.

" Listen, Gal, I can't promise that we'll get out of this unscathed. But if you both listen to me, I'll try my damnedest to get us all out in relatively one piece. Last time I had to deal with half a dozen incompetent, witless Roman recruits as well, so I'm hoping _we_ have better odds of success. Whatever the pair of you do, _don't_ let your bloody guard down for an instant and for the love of the gods, don't let your concentration slip ... So, keep your wits about you and be careful ... " Dagonet studied both men carefully and took a deep calming breath. " Have we all got everything we need ? "

Bors nodded, clutching his required equipment careful in his big hands. " May as well get it over and done with then. The more we faff about the harder it'll be ... After all, what's the worst that can bloody happen ? "

Galahad grinned weakly and reached down for the large pail at his feet. Dagonet could only give Bors an incredulous look, then silently proceeded to open the wooden door_**.**_

_**XXXXX**_

Five minutes later, Tristan calmly swaggered out of the stables, a huge smirk on his lean, handsome face, having just witnessed the funniest thing he'd seen in a long, long time. His striking golden eyes danced with barely contained glee.

Suddenly, he heard a furious roar, and Dagonet's bellowed warning of " Run, for mercy's sake ! "

This was immediately followed by the scarred, shaven-headed, powerfully built warrior tearing out of the building as though the hounds of hell were chasing him. Hot on his heels was the slighter, athletic frame of Galahad, narrowly missed by a wooden pail that flew after him.

Tristan leapt onto a nearby wall with cat-like grace, then reached into a pocket and pulled out a large, red apple and a hunting knife. Sitting crosslegged, he made himself comfortable and with a serene expression on his face, proceeded to enjoy the spectacle that was gradually revealed before his very eyes.

There was a momentary silence, which was broken abruptly by another incensed roar.

Bors came haring out of the stable at a breathtaking turn of speed, something which greatly astounded the amused scout. He'd never have believed that the burly, older Roxolani would have been able to move so fast if he hadn't seen it for himself.

Although Bors' sudden, unexpected speed and agility was impressive, he'd been unable to avoid the projectile which had been aimed squarely and with deadly accuracy towards the back of his head. The item bounced off his scalp onto the ground. Bors gave a sharp, undignified yelp and carried on sprinting until he was out of sight_**.**_

Standing at the stable doorway was a very furious Gawain. Bare-chested, his muscular torso gleaming damply and swearing loudly and violently, he made a forbidding sight. His long, blond, shaggy mane was soaking wet and now reeked of lavender and rose petals.

The blond Halani bent down to pick up the item he'd thrown in anger and roared after Bors, " Just be grateful that was a bloody loofah, Bors, and that I _didn't_ hit you with my axe ! "

That was the remark which finally undid the Aorsi completely. To Gawain's bemusement, Tristan could no longer contain his amusement; he laughed so hard, that he lost his balance and promptly fell off the wall.

Shaking his head in disgust, a still fuming and cursing Gawain stormed back into the stables, with the scout's husky laughter still ringing loudly in his ears ...

**Finis**


End file.
